All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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