i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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