I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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