Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
