This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
