I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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