In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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