The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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