So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
