You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Randomize
