i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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