she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
