I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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