i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
