i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
