he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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