Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
