everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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