Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
