I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
