Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
that is very illegal...i love you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
