I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
