Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
