he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The air was thick with penises
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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