I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
