also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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