just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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