Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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