Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
