I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
