walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
