neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
