He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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