Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
