pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
two words: eviction party
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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