I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
