i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
