Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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