Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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