At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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