I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
