so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
