just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
