my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
