his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
