Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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