you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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