can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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