My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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