And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
