This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
