You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
