Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
