So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
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I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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