I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
