Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
