dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Holy shit dude........stairs
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
