I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
