At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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