I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
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She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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